I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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