Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
