why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
