I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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