Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All I want is dick and wine.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
