The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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