Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
