A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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