..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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