Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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