you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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