I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
