so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
