i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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