Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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