Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
