here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
