No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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