hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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