When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize