Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
