I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My pussy is not your playground.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
