Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
