I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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