someone owes me an orgasm
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
