tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
