Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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