I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
