I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
