I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I understand Curling. That high.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
