Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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