the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
