I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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