I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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