Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
