I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's blow job season.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
