Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
