oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
