he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize