We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
