planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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