bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
