Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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