i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
