It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize