You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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