then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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