I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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