i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
