I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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