is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
