Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
