I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
