Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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