saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
