Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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