i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
