i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
