I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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