just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
