Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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