my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
