I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
