Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
