i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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