Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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