Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
