i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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