if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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