this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
