She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
