I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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