when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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