I checked into jail on foursquare
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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