Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We have started to decorate penises.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
